I turn twenty five

And as I turn twenty five, I hear wedding bells ringing.

My parents have started their hunting stride to decide the one for me.

They’re finding riches in the dumbest pretenders of the league.

Trying to figure out the future prospects of every guy I meet.

And as I turn twenty five my mother wants me to eat no more.

Suddenly her chubby princess needs to cut her belly fat low.

And I can’t complain on any of these changes this year.

For I am unaware how long I get to live with them as their’s.

And as I turn twenty five the truth hits like never before.

A future with ample bank balance is the only achievement for respect to be poured.

Doesn’t matter who I wanna be, I’ll be judged if my priorities don’t buy me gold.

Aspirations of my 20 year old are freezing in the cold store.

And as I turn twenty five, I grow scared of people who don’t get my needs.

My wisdom calls me out to fly and break free.

I don’t belong with a guy earning a few thousands more than me.

But with a lover who cherishes me infinitely.

And as I turn twenty five I somehow wanna mix my fantasies with my parents’ actuality.

I am ready to accept their visions of luxury if they respect my necessities.

It’s a point of varied confusions and duality.

At twenty five I find myself at the gateway of an inevitable reality.

The Follower

Another tiring day of work. Another series of strange new faces in the metro. Most of them buttoned up ready for the stress. The working bees, looking out of the windows for a life they aren’t living. For places they see, never visit. Girls with glosses, passing plastic smiles. Among them standing straight, I try hard not to fall back. Searching among the faces something intriguing. A story to tell.

Next station brings another hoard of passengers pushing their way into our space. But among them a face which was another one of them yet new. Young and shiny, buttoned up to the neck. Without that tired look, may be because he has just begun, like me. Or may be because he isn’t there just yet, like me. Never acknowledging my presence as opposed to everyone else. He wasn’t interested. Part of the herd yet different. Ushering strength and fearlessness. He wasn’t afraid of life, taking it head on.

And everyday I saw faces which were unknown, but familiar enough to energise. Distant, yet closer than anyone in some moments. People come and leave, that’s what I learnt in all those days. But they can always stay in, to make us learn. If they manage to linger for long, the learning is profound.

Returning home from work, tired I didn’t knew how will I ever get accustomed to this life. To so many strangers, I spent so much time with. Being tired and being unable to say that to anyone. Going home in solitude, with hundreds of empty fallen faces. And then out of the blue you see a familiar one who is gone strange. He lost his energy, when I spotted him again few weeks later in my bus. It was a coincidence which displayed the inevitable changes in life. Same face yet so different ways. Same place suffering different in different days.

That’s why when finally I had the chance to go back to college after the internship, I felt free. I knew the importance of freedom and time and how can we invest it to smile and life.

This time when I saw the familiar stranger, he almost felt like a follower who is around me, like me and yet a no one. All these series of consequences we ended up in. When I saw him almost everywhere I went. Metro, bus, college hallway, library, placement drives, etc., everywhere he turned up, becoming a more and more familiar unknown.

Never understood if I was following him or somehow I saw him around me mirroring my condition and insecurities, problems and priorities. A stranger who was so familiar somehow. Never tried to know about him. And he probably never noticed the situation.

With my life back on track and less tiresome, things grew lighter and sweet, to the days of socialising. Among the many follow requests, there was his. Don’t know if he sent it after noticing me or was he just like every other guy on the scene. But it was good to finally acknowledge him. It was good to claim that he was my follower and not the other way round. He might know a lot about me now, after following me, but I knew his insecurities and priorities well before he began.

Why him ?

He is inspiration for the good in me

Air for my better parts to breathe

With him around, my darkness rests in peace

Smiling with him my best versions floats with ease

I love him for he is my shine in despair

Not a mere lover, but embodiment of all good I care

In my dreams

In my dreams you visit me each night.. And leave my senses with each light

I kill these lights and draw my blanks.. Just to make you stay a little long

To continue our song

Without rhythm and harmony.. In between our peaceful agony 

Don’t wake me day.. Don’t come in our way

My heart is stronger with you at bay

Let me flow and let me forget.. Cause each light shines a new regret

I’ll open my eyes when it’s dark again.. So that no one can ever ruin my reign

By making me realize it’s only a dream.. Possessing regrets with vacant screams

I know I can hold you only behind my eyes.. By choosing darkness over the world’s cries

How the world is

That’s how the world is dear..

They’ll steal your work and present it with pride

They’ll steal your heart to employ it against your tide

In your best moments they’ll be around..shining

In your worst you’ll be left alone..drowning

Few of us.. Are able to keep promises..

We don’t take time in turning good in bad.. We don’t take time in leaving people behind

But then when we cry on our solitude.. We should know it’s us and not anyone responsible for this feud

And one day when we are the most alone.. When we would have had enough

We’ll be spared of this loneliness.. And you, me or they won’t matter.. It’ll only be Him.. It’ll only be His

And all we are fighting for will be nothing but a story..

That’ll be flowing in between generations and children..

Losing its purpose and influence

They’ll never see it how we do..

Everything we are will be modified to suit them..

And in the end.. Nothing we ever cried for will matter

Its good to be home

The home was quiet.. But I found my peace outside in the loudest day of the year

The family was together.. But my home still longed for a perfect Diwali together

I don’t know how we turn the most normal days in the best.. And the best days in the worst

I don’t know how even without buying crackers we burn each other to the soul

One spark leads to the other.. And the most perfect scene turns to a catastrophe

I don’t know what is binding us.. I don’t know what is keeping us..

Is that our home..? These plane white walls..?

Or are we suckers of pain.. Where we can’t stay happy for long..

A beautiful festival.. Turned to ashes..

Our beautiful souls.. Abandoned and thrashed

All of us are alone.. Though together.. And even after everything.. There is no other place I’d rather be..

Its good to be home.

Happy Diwali…!

The goodbye

When it was time for the goodbye… I turned away from him.. I had been with boys before.. But preparing to part wasn’t ever this difficult..

I told myself I have to do this now.. Or it is going to be impossible

I looked at him.. And said I am going..

He said “Fine..” and raised his hand for a simple handshake.. That was the first time I noticed his strong muscled hands.. I brought up mine to complete the gesture.. He was wearing his beautiful smile again.. My hands seemed small but comfortable in his.. Those last seconds of my fingers lingering into his are so clear even now.. that I want to cry.. We said “Bye” and took our separate strides…

And that probably was my hardest good bye ever

I don’t know what he felt that day.. But he had breathed some life in me again.. I felt alive and beautiful again.. Though even a second without him seems impossible..

He laughs just like a kid.. But just as his name.. He is nothing less than a God to me

I don’t know what he wants from me.. Is he just seeing me as a friend.. Or can he put me in a better place..? Whatever it is.. I am glad.. That atleast he was happy with me.. That must count for something.. right ?

Her reflection

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Her reflection..

I see it questioning me in front of the mirror

I see it protecting me in my shadow

I see it awaking me in every specter

I see it waking me in the morrow

 

Her voice..

I hear it soothing me in the long cold nights

I hear it singing me to sleep

I hear it scolding me in the wrong stride

I hear it appreciating me in victory

 

Her touch..

I feel it guiding me in every lost path

I feel it caressing me in solitude

I feel it lifting me above the wrath

I feel it hiding me in every feud

 

Her wisdom..

I find it pleading me to never stop

I find it awakening me in no hope

I find it strengthening me like a magical force

I find it showing me the best possible road

 

All those years of differences and similarities,

All those times of love and irregularities..

You taught me to live and grow from within

Not for myself but for everyone living

You taught me to stand above my fears

You taught me to live in impossible queer

 

It’s you who I see in me..

Everyday every night..

I am an extension of you..

Inheriting all your rights   

Same Old Love

The same old beginning: A boy loved a girl..

Out of his reach.. In a distant world.. 

With her fiery speech.. And his angelic heart

He was the King of love.. She was the Queen of hearts  

The beginning was with their intertwined minds.. Miles apart yet thoroughly wind

Admiring each other’s voyages serene… Slept on the beds of mountain dreams

Their love progressed on a dreamy note…  In fiction and in chat box mode

Promising the journeys of life together… All was well until she wondered whether

Her instability could hurt this prince ? And what did his absence really meant

It meant he was never.. really with her.. In her cries, worries or in her wither

It meant he just knew the stories she shared… And the mean girl was hidden under the layers

Her faces of treachery, faces in dark… Were all concealed in her every bark

She never explained herself .. Cause how could ever she

He never questioned the end .. Just.. “Take care thee”

He respected her decision she felt the pain… But whatever she did.. was to revive her reign

Another story died.. Another soul disturbed

Another voice turned mild.. Another fault ushered

Off they went in their journeys ahead.. But their minds wherever, together still fled

Reaching his favorite mountain peak.. Touching her longed oceans’ beach

In the world of dreams they do still meet

Fearless love syncing in every beat

In Me

They are confused.. running behind lights and stars.. Behind the short term benefits..

Behind the small happiness… Behind everything but what matters..

They are in pursuit of a meaning..pursuit of a feeling.. pursuit of an unknown

I don’t feel that much.. I am running not behind a feeling but a desire..

Behind long term goals.. and things that make me me..

Why am I different ? What have I done or achieved to think or behave above them ?

Well I already have what they are still seeking, running behind..

The feeling that is stuck in their heads which they couldn’t take their minds off from..

I live with it..I feel it running in my blood..smiling at me every morning.. I see it in the faces of the people..

I never thanked him for this.. But this definitely is a thank you..

You might have done the world only harm..as they say it..as they curse you.. But you did take me to the place where no one could possibly go..

I feel like the world is in me.. I am seeing the different levels of possibilities..

The probabilities of what and why they think are distinct..

This world is no more a white..black..or grey..

but crystal shades of pink